peace

peace, originally uploaded by Falyn Cahall.

Sometimes, just sometimes...when your head is pounding, and the kids are screaming, and the huband is nagging...all you want is peace. Silence...no sounds, just stillness.

I'm an only child. I'm use to silence...I welcome silence, and I don't find it awkward. It's time to think, it's time to reflect, it's time to enjoy. I don't find silence much these days, especially with having two boys...where the sound of rockets and spaceships, cars and trains, WWF and monsters lurk everywhere in my house. And I don't mind it...I welcome that too...it makes me smile, it makes me laugh, it makes me witness the relationship of siblings that I never got to witness first hand...and I love it. But sometimes I miss the silence.

The other day, me and some women at work were talking about Britney Spears and how crazy she has become, which lead to a conversation about the whole Andrea Yates thing (I think that was her name). You know, the woman that drowned her 5 kids a few years ago? It's disturbing. I could never do that to any of my kids, I couldn't even imagine ever even thinking about it, and it brings me to tears when I think about it. BUT, and yes there is a BUT, I can somewhat understand why she did what she did.

Her reasoning: she did what she did because she felt like she failed at being a Mom. If you look at the facts (and I'm only going off of memory, because I was in highschool when this happened), she homeschooled all 5 of her kids, she was basically the one who took care of them 24/7 because of their religion, she was not allowed to have an outside life outside of her family, she suffered from postpartum depression, and the doctor even told her not to have anymore kids after #3, she was not allowed to go on birth control because of their religion.

It's sad really...that she may not have had someone there to say, "You know what, it's okay. It's okay that your kids get on your nerves, it's okay that they can annoy the crap out of you...IT'S OKAY!!!!!" I think our society makes motherhood out to be this thing that everything is peachykeen 100% of the time, full of lovey dovey things, butterflies and rainbows...when SOMETIMES (yes I'm emphasizing sometimes) it really isn't that way at all.

Look, I wouldn't trade being a Mom for ANYTHING. I love being a Mom, I love that I can love someone unconditionally, I LOVE BEING A MOM. But do I love motherhood? I would say 25% of the time, No. I'm a worrier, I worry ALL THE TIME. I pray throughout the day when I'm at work that God watches over Evan and Lucas, keeps his Angels around them, around my MIL's house, around Evan's bus and school. I pray because that's all I can do. But I worry and I hate the feeling of worrying.

And there are just some days when Evan and Lucas have gotten on my last nerve, with fighting, with yelling at eachother, with backtalking me, with not listening to me, and on and on and on....and at the end of the day, I just can't wait for them to go to sleep. Now, I'm probably going to have some haters slandering me for saying all this...but that's how I'm wired. Sometimes they just get on my nerves...but it's like with any other relationship. Sometimes my husband gets on my last neve, sometimes my best friend gets on my last nerve...and when I lived with my parents, they got on my last nerve. And you know what. IT'S OKAY!!!! It's okay that these people can get on my nerves because it's one more reminder that we're human. we're living and we're feeling.

I don't think it makes me a bad Mom that, JUST SOMETIMES, my boys get on my nerves. I love them unconditionally, I would risk my own life for them if it meant saving them, I make sure I say "I love you" to them at least 5 times a day to make sure they know it without a doubt, I would do anything for them. It's just sad that people like Andrea Yates didn't have someone there to say it was okay to feel like that. It's sad that she didn't have someone there to give her a break. I'm not saying that what she did was right, because in NO way was it right. I'm saying that I can understand why someone would feel like they've failed as a Mom. I'm saying I can understand that raising five kids, basically on your own, with no breaks, with no touch from the outside world, with have a depression so deep can drive you to that point. Would I ever get to that point, Hells no, because I wouldn't let myself get to that point and I know that I have a husband who loves me enough and saw that I was getting into a deep depression, he would do something about it, he would step in get me help, give me a break, and be there with me until I got better. And if you're reading this, and your kids NEVER get on your nerves...good for you and feel blessed. I'm just not wired that way.

I don't know what brought this out today, maybe hearing all this Britney Spears stuff wherever I go...maybe it's all those Women's Studies classes I took in college that are all coming back to me. lol.

But I thank God everyday that I have a husband who understands that sometimes, I just need silence, I need 15 minutes to myself, to think, to calm down, to just hear silence.